holding my nose in idaho

holding my nose in idaho

i check dear abby everyday & this morning, she finally had something i can work with.

this woman’s been married to the “love of her life” for eight years. Great husband, father & provider except there’s one problem: he bathes once a week & brushes his teeth even less often than that. that’s two problems, i guess.

he makes the move on her & she’s so totally grossed out she can’t go there. she’s tried “making bath time fun” — i think i catch her drift but the thought of his raunchy, greasy hair stuck to the bar of soap kinda kills it for me. anyway, she says she’s not up for the rub-a-dub-dub routine every night.

she doesn’t mince words. even spills the beans on what everybody else has been saying about his nastiness. nothing works. she’s a clean person & keeps hoping he’s going to follow her lead. advice, she asks?

just so you know, gentle reader i don’t read abby’s advice before giving mine, so here we go.

dear holding my nose in idaho,

did you ever see that episode of i love lucy, the one where she & ricky are in a huge fight & she draws a line down the middle of the apartment, straight through their bedroom?

you’ve got to set down the gauntlet, girl.

next wash day, change your side of the bed only. that’s right, just leave his nasty, stinky sheets on there. stop washing his clothes. stop dropping his suits @ the cleaners. feed him on dirty dishes. serve his coffee in the same crusty mug. don’t wash his bathroom sink. i’d say don’t windex the toothpaste off his side of the mirror, but i don’t see where that’s an issue.

you’ve got to be hard core on this or it’s never going to work.

so, what does dear abby have to say?

give me a second to read it.

okay, I’m back.

lame & useless.

if he has the energy to make advances @ the end of a long workday, he should have enough energy to bathe & brush his teeth. unless you plan on wearing a clothespin on your nose during marital relations, you should insist upon it.

abby, are you smoking weed? what do you think she’s been doing, you dolt???

how does abby keep her job? i don’t get it.

word’s going to get around about beingmarthalouisehunter.com & the phone’s going to start ringing. just saying…

TTFN

for those of you who’re new around here, that’s tigger-speak for “ta-ta for now.”

that piña colada song

that piña colada song

what do you want to hear about? more body language, more miley cyrus, more dear abby?

okay, dear abby it is. i keep a stack of the stupid ones around here, so let’s see what i have. &, incidentally, i don’t read abby’s response before writing mine, just to keep everyone honest.

okay. the letter is signed, “second to a screen name.”

woman has been married for 7 years with 2 kids. husband has what she describes as an “internet addiction.”  he’s online all night long from the time she goes to bed to when she wakes up to take the kids to school. (this couldn’t be going anywhere good.)  okay, let’s see what else…  uh-oh. she did some digging & discovered he’s got lots of different profiles of lots of different dating sites. (well, you saw THAT one coming.)  when she confronted him, he said he has no interest in having an affair, that he’s been depressed for some time & that it’s his way of escaping. she told him he needs a therapist & he said she shouldn’t be hurt because it’s only “make believe.”

their relationship has taken a serious dive. she doesn’t trust him on the computer anymore, doesn’t find him attractive anymore & no longer feels attractive herself & says she doesn’t know how to be supportive when he won’t admit he has a problem.

ahhhhhh, “second to a screen name”…..  what to do, oh what to do.

okay. here’s what i’d tell her:

he’s a freak, & hell, yes, he’s having an affair. & be supportive? are you kidding? instead of being in bed with you all kissy-face & huggy-body, he’s trolling the internet & if you think he’s just on “dating sites,” well, girl — you’re more cut off from reality than he is. you can either take care of business or you can wait until the FBI rings the doorbell & confiscates your computer.

have the internet yanked out, like pronto. what’s he going to do then? start doing it on his phone? get that turned off, too. okay, let’s think about this. you don’t say whether he has a job or not, but i doubt it because he’d be asleep on his desk all day which means he’s probably lost his job now, too.

all right – here’s another idea. do you remember that Piña Colada song? you know, “if you like piña coladas, & gettin’ caught in the rain…. if you’re not into yoga & you’re into champagne,” where the loser dude is doing the same thing except with personals ads? the woman writes an ad of her own, he answers it & meets her for a date & they’re happily-ever-after again.

okay, scrap that. what a BS song — i mean come ON!

you’ve got to dump this guy by sundown or your life is garbage, & if you think it’s going to get any better, you’re nuts.   men like having a warm place to put it, & trust me, they’re usually putting it somewhere.

all righty, let’s see what dear abby says:

#1 on the woman’s agenda should be going to therapist herself before she gets all depressed, too.  #2, since his own “therapy” for depression isn’t working, the wife can’t fix his problem because only he can do that, so let’s hope he comes to his senses while the marriage is still salvageable.

oh, dear, dear abby… you so clearly need my help. this marriage is not, i repeat not, salvageable & she needs to cut to the freaking chase already.

is that wrong?

dear abby

dear abby

I’ve always wanted to write an advice column. Not that I’m so smart and cool and anyone would take my advice anyway, but wouldn’t it be refreshing to read an answer that was the truth? So, here’s a letter from Disengaged in Florida in today’s Dear Abby, and I’m going to paraphrase and trim it down, because, frankly — the woman’s too wordy.

I’ve been married for 40 years and we have a good marriage. I wouldn’t change a thing, except I’ve never had an engagement ring. My husband’s bought me jewelry over the years, but never what I really want — a diamond ring — and he can certainly afford it. After hinting, leaving jewelry catalogues around, and even having my sister-in-law tell him, I feel unloved and deeply hurt . It’s becoming clear that he thinks I’m not worth it.

My response: You think? Why not do what most women do when they’re pissed — cut off the nooky until he comes through, although it occurs to me that you’ve probably tried that already, which was fine with him since your finger remains ring-less. So, here’s how you fix his wagon, improve your marriage and get your personal power back at the same time: Buy yourself a huge, honking rock, preferably with your own dinero, and while you’re at it, pick up a stripper pole and g-string and quit your whining.

Now, I haven’t even read Dear Abby’s response yet, as to remain unbiased, so hold on a second while I do.

Okay I’m back – and again, I’ll paraphrase and trim it down.

Diamonds are minerals that have been marketed to the public to seem like something more, so don’t let this screw up your marriage. Lots of women do it, so consider buying one for yourself.

Oh, poor dear, dear Abby….  you clearly need my help.

The Final Curtain

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