what do you want to hear about? more body language, more miley cyrus, more dear abby?

okay, dear abby it is. i keep a stack of the stupid ones around here, so let’s see what i have. &, incidentally, i don’t read abby’s response before writing mine, just to keep everyone honest.

okay. the letter is signed, “second to a screen name.”

woman has been married for 7 years with 2 kids. husband has what she describes as an “internet addiction.”  he’s online all night long from the time she goes to bed to when she wakes up to take the kids to school. (this couldn’t be going anywhere good.)  okay, let’s see what else…  uh-oh. she did some digging & discovered he’s got lots of different profiles of lots of different dating sites. (well, you saw THAT one coming.)  when she confronted him, he said he has no interest in having an affair, that he’s been depressed for some time & that it’s his way of escaping. she told him he needs a therapist & he said she shouldn’t be hurt because it’s only “make believe.”

their relationship has taken a serious dive. she doesn’t trust him on the computer anymore, doesn’t find him attractive anymore & no longer feels attractive herself & says she doesn’t know how to be supportive when he won’t admit he has a problem.

ahhhhhh, “second to a screen name”…..  what to do, oh what to do.

okay. here’s what i’d tell her:

he’s a freak, & hell, yes, he’s having an affair. & be supportive? are you kidding? instead of being in bed with you all kissy-face & huggy-body, he’s trolling the internet & if you think he’s just on “dating sites,” well, girl — you’re more cut off from reality than he is. you can either take care of business or you can wait until the FBI rings the doorbell & confiscates your computer.

have the internet yanked out, like pronto. what’s he going to do then? start doing it on his phone? get that turned off, too. okay, let’s think about this. you don’t say whether he has a job or not, but i doubt it because he’d be asleep on his desk all day which means he’s probably lost his job now, too.

all right – here’s another idea. do you remember that Piña Colada song? you know, “if you like piña coladas, & gettin’ caught in the rain…. if you’re not into yoga & you’re into champagne,” where the loser dude is doing the same thing except with personals ads? the woman writes an ad of her own, he answers it & meets her for a date & they’re happily-ever-after again.

okay, scrap that. what a BS song — i mean come ON!

you’ve got to dump this guy by sundown or your life is garbage, & if you think it’s going to get any better, you’re nuts.   men like having a warm place to put it, & trust me, they’re usually putting it somewhere.

all righty, let’s see what dear abby says:

#1 on the woman’s agenda should be going to therapist herself before she gets all depressed, too.  #2, since his own “therapy” for depression isn’t working, the wife can’t fix his problem because only he can do that, so let’s hope he comes to his senses while the marriage is still salvageable.

oh, dear, dear abby… you so clearly need my help. this marriage is not, i repeat not, salvageable & she needs to cut to the freaking chase already.

is that wrong?