I’ve always wanted to write an advice column. Not that I’m so smart and cool and anyone would take my advice anyway, but wouldn’t it be refreshing to read an answer that was the truth? So, here’s a letter from Disengaged in Florida in today’s Dear Abby, and I’m going to paraphrase and trim it down, because, frankly — the woman’s too wordy.

I’ve been married for 40 years and we have a good marriage. I wouldn’t change a thing, except I’ve never had an engagement ring. My husband’s bought me jewelry over the years, but never what I really want — a diamond ring — and he can certainly afford it. After hinting, leaving jewelry catalogues around, and even having my sister-in-law tell him, I feel unloved and deeply hurt . It’s becoming clear that he thinks I’m not worth it.

My response: You think? Why not do what most women do when they’re pissed — cut off the nooky until he comes through, although it occurs to me that you’ve probably tried that already, which was fine with him since your finger remains ring-less. So, here’s how you fix his wagon, improve your marriage and get your personal power back at the same time: Buy yourself a huge, honking rock, preferably with your own dinero, and while you’re at it, pick up a stripper pole and g-string and quit your whining.

Now, I haven’t even read Dear Abby’s response yet, as to remain unbiased, so hold on a second while I do.

Okay I’m back – and again, I’ll paraphrase and trim it down.

Diamonds are minerals that have been marketed to the public to seem like something more, so don’t let this screw up your marriage. Lots of women do it, so consider buying one for yourself.

Oh, poor dear, dear Abby….  you clearly need my help.