thanks, mom

thanks, mom

sometimes, I’ve just got to say it.

my mom will send me canned emails sometimes — the ones railing about  obama being a muslim, i delete faster than you can sarah palin. the cheesy, uplifting variety, i usually skim real quick so i won’t feel guilty, & say,   yeah, whatever ….. & delete those, too.

it’s totally not my style to pass along this kind of thing, so don’t get used to it — my next post will be snarky, i promise…………………  so, THANKS, MOM!

to realize the value of a sister or brother, ask someone who doesn’t have one.

to realize the value of ten years, ask a newly-divorced couple.

to realize the value of four years, ask a graduate.

to realize the value of one year, ask a student who’s failed a final exam.

to realize the value of nine months, ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

to realize the value of one month, ask a mother who’s given birth to a premature baby.

to realize the value of one minute, ask a person who’s missed the train, bus or plane.

to realize the value of one second, ask a person who’s survived an accident.

to realize the value of a friend or family member:

LOSE ONE.

Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have.

female courting gestures

female courting gestures

i’m still reading the book i got on body language & i’m loving it. it’s called the definitive book of body language, in case you’re interested.

it says that if you ask men who makes the 1st move in courtship amp; most of them will say they do.

wrong-a-mundo.

women are the initiators 90% of the time, or so says this book.

supposedly, there’s a 5-step sequence chicks go through when meeting a person they find attractive

stage 1: after the man notices her, she’ll hold his gaze for about 5 seconds, & turn away. man keeps watching to see if she does it again. most men are so dense that women have to do it an average of 3 times before a they even realize what’s happening.

stage 2:  her fleeting smile — a half-smile that’s her green light for him to approach

stage 3:  she sits up straight to emphasize her boobs and crosses her legs to show them at their best advantage. she’ll tilt her head to the side to expose her bare neck before playing with her hair for about 6 seconds, suggesting that she’s grooming herself for him.

now, you women probably can’t imagine having ever done this… just like me, i’m sure you’re far too cool.

stage 4:  man approaches & tries making small talk — some cheesy line like, what’s your sign.

stage 5:  she’ll find a way to touch him, which for novices means “accidentally” brushing his arm, the more experienced will touch it with their fingers, while the true hussy will simply cut to the chase & shake his hand.

okay, get ready because you’re going to love this: women are more sexually-active when they’re in the  middle of their cycle, the time they’re more likely to conceive. whatttt? this sounds totally bad idea, but there you are.

List of women’s most common gestures to show they’re on the make. forgive me, the book says “available.”

1.  head toss & hair flick. that means tossing it over her shoulders away from her face, something that even chicks with short hair do, which sounds totally senseless, but the gesture is intended to show that she cares how she looks. this also lets her expose her ARMPIT which allows her “sex perfume” to waft through the air.

oh, come on! I’ve got to start hanging out in bars so i can see this for myself.

2.  wets her lips & pouts with mouth slightly open.  this is done to make her face appear more “adolescent,” as thicker, fuller lips are a signal of youthful femaleness. for the truly desperate, collagen is a must.

i’m not even going to mention what the book compares the wet lips to, especially when slathered in red lipstick … as a “sexual invitation.”

3.  self-touching — the secret desire.  (please remember that i did NOT write this book)  when she slowly strokes her throat or thigh, she’s saying that if he plays his cards right, he can do it, too.

4.  the submission signal of the limp wrist.  i know what you’re thinking, and yes – the book says that not only do women do this, but also gay men — i’m completely serious. it goes on to say that this gesture is a great attention grabber because birds will feign a damaged wing to distract prey away from their nests. oh, & this gesture is intended to show the man that he can dominate.  oh, forever more!

5.  i’m embarrassed to even write this one. she’ll fondle a cylindrical object….  stem of her wine glass, a cigarette, maybe that tube of red lipstick she’s just slathered on her pouty lips.  she’ll even take her ring off her finger & put it back on several times. if you don’t get the symbolism of that one, well — I can’t help you

6.  exposing the smooth underside of her wrist — known to be an erotic area of the female body with more delicate skin. now, here’s a little-known fact: it’s the reason women apply their perfume there.

7.  glancing sideways over her raised shoulder — the shoulder shape mimics the round shape of a breast. doing this with drooped eyelids is also a nice touch.

8 & 9.  rolling hips & pelvic tilt – i actually skimmed these, but they had to do with the sexual use of these areas & something or other about childbirth.

10.  sliding her purse towards him — because of women’s  “don’t touch my damn purse” feelings, if she puts it close to him, it’s a strong signal of intimacy. if she thinks he’s a real fox, she’ll even begin to fondle it.  even typing this, i’m really embarrassed to be a woman.

11.  tucking her leg under hers rump & the knee point — double whammy on this one… gives her the opportunity to both point her knee at the man she’s interested in, AND flash her thighs.

12.  the ever-sexy shoe fondle — dangling her shoe off the end of her foot shows the phallic effect of the foot being thrusted in & out of the shoe. this action is said to especially unsettle men.  okay…..

13.  the leg twine —  by crossing her knees & pressing her top calf against her lower shin, it makes it look like she’s got muscle tone even if she hasn’t worked out for years. & being strong & healthy is a plus for good sex.

OMG   ……  enough said.

happy birthday to me

happy birthday to me

it’s tomorrow, and i say, who cares?   I guess you could say the thrill is gone.

here’s what i’ve done since i was in my early 20’s — something ingenious, really. about mid-year, i begin telling myself that I’m already the next year older so it won’t be such a shock when it gets here.  you should try it.

i used to really hate getting older. when i was whining about it a few years back, my mother looked at me and said, you know, martha — you’ve had a lot of birthdays.

after i got over the indignity of her comment, i was left wondering why people apologize for being older. I mean, what’s that about?

think about it.

here’s what i said to my snotty little daughter the last time she made a disparaging comment to me about being old:

listen here, you little pipsqueak. i was kind of a hot babe when i was your age & you ain’t got nothing on me.

come to think of it, you should be writing me a thank you note.

and you’re grounded.

was that wrong?

miley cyrus – i can’t believe i’m writing about her either

miley cyrus – i can’t believe i’m writing about her either

the uproar & hoopla over miley’s performance at the Video Music Awards has died down.

gratefully.

yet, I’m still having flashbacks of miley’s disturbing, flesh-colored Daisy Dukes. if only I could wash my mind out with soap.   her performance left me saying, honey, you can’t dance so please give it up & that goes double for that nasty foam finger you kept putting in very unladylike places.    anyway, i’ve finally put my finger on the reason i was so appalled.

you’re hanging on the edge of your seat, right?    & in case you’re wondering, my finger is not, i repeat, not a foam finger.

her being such an attention-hog really got on my nerves —  i mean, wasn’t it supposed to be robin thicke’s moment in the sun?   and, btw, isn’t he FINE?  the song he sang,  “blurred lines”  — well, i just love it.   let’s all  sing a few bars, shall we?

hey, hey, hey……… hey, hey, hey………..hey, hey, hey

if you can’t hear what I’m tryin’ to say….   if you can’t read from the same page…

maybe I’m goin’ crazy….  maybe I’m goin’ blind…    maybe I’m goin’ out of my

mi–i-i-i—i-i-i — i-i-i—i-i-i-i-i-i-i—nd

you’re going to have that song stuck in your head all day now, aren’t you?

you’re welcome.

okay, here’s the other reason.  i love miley’s music —  i seriously do — & when she ditched the whole disney, hannah montana-persona  in favor of  the  “serious artist”  persona, she pulled it off.  honestly, she did, & I really & truly like her music.

but strutting around the stage pretending to be a sex-bomb like britney spears? well, she didn’t pull that off, because she just ain’t.   yeah, i know britney was a mouseketeer, & so was christina aguilera. whatever.  for them, it was merely a footnote.

for her “sexy” moment, miley wore tennis shoes & short, little pig tails all over her head & absolutely would not stop sticking out her tongue — something ornery little kids do, right?

& did i mention, the girl just can’t dance…  i think i did, but,  i mean, come on! ,  “twerking” her skinny little booty as if she was  bootilicious beyonce?

egads.

but, you  know — the girl’s doing something right, because I’m still talking about her..

dilated pupils

dilated pupils

okay, I got a crazy new book today. It’s on body language, but you probably figured that out already.

it’s a pretty boring book, actually — takes lots of skimming to get to anything really good. here’s what’s interesting so far — it’s about the eyes. bet you didn’t know that the pupils do something weird, well i guess it’s not really weird, since it’s normal — but when you get excited or turned-on, or you basically really like something, your pupils dilate. like, big time. if i were really cool & knew how to use my computer better, i’d patch in some photos, but i’m not, & i don’t, so you’re going to have to use your imagination.

they’ve got pictures of this model. the first photo, she’s just basically looking at you with a seductive-ish smile — no big deal. next picture, same exact photo, except they’ve manipulated it to make her pupils dilated, like crazy-big, & guess what? she looks like a sexy babe. then, it says below the photo that Revlon increased its catalogue sales 45% by dilating their models’ eyes. nuts, right? well, no, i guess.

next thing on the pupils — they tested some dudes when they were looking at porn.  yep, their pupils dilate. go grab a mirror & pull up a porn site & see what happens. i can wait, or do it later — whatever.

you probably figured out that this  dilating is subconscious. or is it unconscious? either way, it happens whether you want it to or not. so, that partner of yours that you suspect is secretly gay — or straight? now you can find out for sure.

you’re welcome.

if you love david bowie as much as i do, and i really do, you’ll find this interesting.  not only are his eyes different colors (one’s blue & one’s hazel), one of them is permanently-dilated. this is a really cheap book & none of the photos are in color, so i couldn’t say whether it’s his blue eye or his hazel one, but he got the dilated pupil from a fistfight over a girl when he was a wee lad of 12 years old.

the book also says that babies have larger pupils than grownups & that their pupils constantly dilate when grownups are around, trying to look more appealing so they’ll get more attention. how weird is that?

okay — one last thing, because i know you’re getting antsy to pull up your porn site.   it’s about the whites of your eyes. humans are the only primates that have them, meaning that monkeys’ eyes are completely dark. you can tell where humans are looking — whether they’re acting shifty, or if a man’s checking out a chick’s boobs or something.  having no whites gives monkeys an advantage when they’re hunting because their prey has no idea if they’ve been spotted or if the monkey’s even looking at them at all.

oh, hey — i just thought of this — wonder if that single-dilated eye of bowie’s is why like half the population is crazy about him.  if they both were dilated, i’ll bet my mom would be listening to young americans in her car.

okay —   tootles

dear abby

dear abby

I’ve always wanted to write an advice column. Not that I’m so smart and cool and anyone would take my advice anyway, but wouldn’t it be refreshing to read an answer that was the truth? So, here’s a letter from Disengaged in Florida in today’s Dear Abby, and I’m going to paraphrase and trim it down, because, frankly — the woman’s too wordy.

I’ve been married for 40 years and we have a good marriage. I wouldn’t change a thing, except I’ve never had an engagement ring. My husband’s bought me jewelry over the years, but never what I really want — a diamond ring — and he can certainly afford it. After hinting, leaving jewelry catalogues around, and even having my sister-in-law tell him, I feel unloved and deeply hurt . It’s becoming clear that he thinks I’m not worth it.

My response: You think? Why not do what most women do when they’re pissed — cut off the nooky until he comes through, although it occurs to me that you’ve probably tried that already, which was fine with him since your finger remains ring-less. So, here’s how you fix his wagon, improve your marriage and get your personal power back at the same time: Buy yourself a huge, honking rock, preferably with your own dinero, and while you’re at it, pick up a stripper pole and g-string and quit your whining.

Now, I haven’t even read Dear Abby’s response yet, as to remain unbiased, so hold on a second while I do.

Okay I’m back – and again, I’ll paraphrase and trim it down.

Diamonds are minerals that have been marketed to the public to seem like something more, so don’t let this screw up your marriage. Lots of women do it, so consider buying one for yourself.

Oh, poor dear, dear Abby….  you clearly need my help.

The Final Curtain

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